A Smile on My Face

I have asked my husband to help me put a smile back on my face.  I am normally a positive thinking, happy person but this last few weeks I have struggled with even this simple task.

Quite simple I have lost my ‘va va voom’ and have to force myself to be happy.  I had every reason to be happy this week as it was my Birthday.  I had some lovely presents bought me by the children, had a day girlie shopping with my mom for clothes (my annual treat) and with the promise of my husband taking me to do the same.

Even a Birthday meal with my two best mates couldn’t lift my spirits.  I just wanted to be at home.

What is the matter with me?

I don’t think I’m having a mid life crisis but I do feel as though I am in a solitary place.  I have a sense of not belonging.  I know what I want to be doing, but struggle to put it in to practice.  I know what needs to be done, but can’t quite muster up the enthusiasm to get it sorted. 

And yet I am full of good ideas that even my husband is enthusing about. And in the brief moments that I become enthusiastic I know I could work miracles.

Am I going through an early menopause?  Two doctors don’t think I am,  they both thought I was suffering with stress/anxiety but having recently experienced the ‘monthly cycle’ four times in two months I wonder.  I will go back again now this has happened as it needs sorting. Maybe this is is causing my hormonal influx and making me into an emotional yo-yo.

I feel invisible sometimes even though I don’t want to be in the spotlight.  Does that make sense? 

And yet this week I was asked at work about my future plans, with a view to me staying on even longer as their temp.  I don’t like letting people down and I really don’t want to work past the end of May, but it was nice to know that I was obviously doing the job well enough to be considered to stay on. 

I did feel a little sad at having to say that I didn’t want to stay especially as my boss gave me an Easter egg when I left Wednesday night.  That was a really lovely gesture.

I also know that by saying no I have just put the pressure on myself to get really stuck into my projects, to make them work and to know that when I leave in May I will have started bringing income in without temping.

I don’t even know why I am putting this on the blog.  Maybe it’s because sometimes when I read things back I can look at it and think to myself ‘get a grip’, there are people out there who really are having problems. 

In comparison I just need to ‘pull my socks up, tighten my bra strap and start working those miracles’.

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