Just a short one tonight as I am a little demob happy. I finished work today (well yesterday now as it’s past midnight) and although it’s what I’ve been waiting for I still felt a tinge of sadness as it’s more change. For the better I hope.
Being part of a team this past 5 months has been a confidence booster and the social aspect has been really good.
The lovely thing about leaving is I’ve found out what some people think about me. For a start my boss was still asking me if I’d like to change my mind, so too were my team members.
The whole department had signed a card and I had comments such as "thanks for your help and friendly manner", "really sorry you are leaving us - anything we can do to change your mind?", "really sorry you’re leaving - you’ve been fab. Thanks for all your help" and "you’ve been great".
So apologies for selling myself up tonight, I thought I’d have a ‘positive me’ moment.
In primitive times, a man’s role was that of hunter. Tribal man would kill his prey and then return home to his family and the warmth of the cave at the end of the day. The woman would be waiting to welcome him home and admire his hunting prowess and his ability to provide for his family.
She would ensure that the fire was ready for the man to do some fire-gazing when he returned. Times have changed, but a woman can make life easier if she tries to understand that a man still needs his fire-gazing time.
There is nothing worse for a man than being bombarded by demands the moment he walks through the door, but women often see this as the ideal time to begin making requests. It’s like they feel that, if they can catch a man before he gets a chance to sit down, there is more chance their demands will be met.
However as a woman, there is nothing more frustrating than having to ask a man time after time to do even the simplest of things. When a woman is asking for something to be done and her husband or partner is apparently ignoring her, feelings of resentment build.
In a man’s working environment, he can communicate, problem-solve and produce positive outcomes. If a colleague makes a request, the man miraculously seems to have the ability to meet the request immediately.
His female partner knows this, so she becomes enormously frustrated when he does not respond in the same way at home. Beyond feeling frustrated, though, a woman can begin to feel hurt and devalued. She starts to interpret the man’s actions as showing that he respects his colleagues, but not her.
Unfortunately, women usually respond to their feelings of hurt and frustration by becoming more persistent in their attempts to get their message across. As a result, the man rebels and, the more he rebels, the more hurt and frustrated the woman feels - so the more she nags.
Women know that they nag, but that doesn’t mean they enjoy it. After all, who enjoys feeling that their husband or partner just won’t pay attention to them? Usually women are only doing it as a means to an end.
Nagging can also be a sign that a woman wants more: more recognition from her husband and/or family for what she has given so far and more opportunities to move on to something better. Nagging is all about the balance of power between two people. A woman is far more likely to nag when she feels taken for granted.
Many little girls are still brought up believing that they should be nice and sweet and put their own needs and feelings last. They grow up into women who believe that it’s their role to keep the peace, to smooth over problems, to be liked and loved. Many women find it extremely difficult just to come out and say, "I’m not happy living this way."
A vicious cycle develops, until eventually they both reach a point where they no longer see each other as partners, lovers or best friends. The more the nagger nags, the more the victim retreats behind the kind of defensive barriers that drive the nagger crazy.
These barriers include newspapers, computers, a gloomy face, amnesia, apparent deafness and TV remote controls. Women also often make the mistake of expecting men intuitively to pick up on what they’re thinking, without actually saying it. Instead, they use indirect speech.
When women learn to say directly what they mean, men will respond more readily. Women need to understand that male brain function is comparatively simple and men can rarely guess what their wives and partners really mean beyond the actual words they’ve uttered.
Well we did our bit for healthy week at school. My eldest cycled and my youngest son scooted. I did the same as yesterday though and arranged for my husband to pick me up at school 2.
I’m quite a hot blooded person and even on freezing cold days if I’m walking I’ll probably be in a t-shirt and no coat.
The day before had been really warm so today I opted to wear a pretty blue summer dress. I looked up at the grey sky and thought I’ll risk it, knowing I get hot walking anyway. Plus I was still pushing a pushchair laden down with all the school bags, drinks and coats.
We stopped a few times on the way so the children could have a drink and not long after setting off for the third time. My youngest complained that the ‘black thing had gone’. I stopped and asked ‘what’s the black thing’ racking my brain as to what I had seen in her hands that morning.
It turned out that whatever it was she had dropped it out of the pushchair. I couldn’t go back as we had to get the boys to school so I promised to have a look on the way back.
We met my husband at school 2 and I explained about the ‘black thing’ and the only thing he thought it could be was a little black bottle that came out of a game. Our daughter nodded, so at least I knew what to look for.
We drove to the start of the road that we thought it had been dropped on and while my husband stayed in the car I walked along the road, head down searching.
You can imagine how it looked. I had started the morning out freshly showered in a pretty blue dress and because it had started raining I now just looked like a scarecrow in a frock!
I kept checking with my daughter and after walking the length of the road she said it had fell out where we had had our first pit stop. This was along the next road!
As I knew exactly where we had stopped I carried on round, searching but to no avail.
I went back to the car, told my daughter I couldn’t find it and that maybe a baby bird had found it and flown off with it to play with. This seemed to satisfy her.
I had just put my seatbelt on, when a delighted little girl shouted ‘here it is’. My husband and I both looked round and there she sat in the back of the car holding . . . you guessed it . . . a little black bottle!
Now, either she had been playing with it in her car seat on a previous journey and had got confused or there were two of these bottles and she had just found another one. Despite the fact I had just walked about a quarter of a mile searching for this ‘thing’, the look on her happy little face spoke volumes. We all burst out laughing.
‘The baby bird bought it back for me’ she said. Who can argue with that?
So, I got up at 6.20 am and started getting the ’seaweed’ ready for my son’s project. And even though we had all been up early no one was ready to go out of the house on time. Unbelievable.
(I must also mention here that the day before my husband was about to take on a new business that was subject to new legislation going through. The legislation affected the person we were taking over from, and we found out that it was to be delayed by at least two months. So this was also a bit of a blow. However despite the stress around I did manage to stay focussed and came up with a potential solution if agreeable by the other people.)
So . . . . we managed to strap everyone in the car when my neighbour came out of her house. I said ‘you look how I feel’ when she blurted out that her dad had been taken into hospital!
She’s an only child so is close to her mom and dad. Thinking it was last night I asked what had happened and of course, couldn’t just race off to work as she was clearly distressed.
She told me it was 2 nights ago he had been taken in as he had very large swellings in his waist area, although no pain. It’s been an on and off saga with the doctors and hospital but the swelling had got bigger.
She went off to work and I made the decision to take the children into school first, sent a text to one of the girls at work and said I’d be in at 9.00. I’m usually there between 8.30 and 8.45. I also made the decision to ask if I could leave at 4.00 the same day in the same text as I wanted to be home.
It then hit me that my neighbour who I have known for well over 20 years had left it 2 days to tell me about her dad and I really only found out by making the comment I did. I know she must be going through a stressful time but out of all her friends I can understand the angst she must be feeling as I lost my dad some years ago and know the heartache of making hospital visits. (In our case we knew dad was dying which was worse, because he didn’t.)
Other mom’s in the playground knew because she’d called on them to help her out. It made me feel really small and very insignificant. I’ve tried to make sense of this but I can’t without bringing it back to myself and maybe I should be thinking - it’s not about me!
Anyway I got to work and nobody bothered to ask if I was okay especially as I’m usually in before the rest of the team.
Plus my computer broke the night before so I had to move desks and sit with my back to everyone. I felt very displaced.
My husband phoned me during the morning and after seeing the people we were buying this business off (who apparently were also really upset by having to let us down) liked my proposition and said they’d think about it. (So not entirely stupid then!)
The rest of the day passed in a boring, time watching kind of way. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
When my family picked me up at night my son announced that the disco I thought he was going to the next night was actually that night. So we had to get him ready and organised and while he went off to his disco I took my other children to the park so that middle child could practice riding without his stabilisers. This he had succeeded in doing at the weekend.
Today I ended up walking to school with the children. They are having a ‘healthy week’ at school and are trying to encourage the children to go to school but not in a car.
In fairness my eldest had a new bike for his Birthday and just wanted to show it to his friends, so I agreed. It’s a 30 minute walk and that’s just to the first school. I then had to trek over to school number two. But hey as I’m not that into healthy I arranged for my husband to pick me up from school 2 and take me home in the car!!
I also had the delightful chance of having lunch with my son at his school (based on a suggestion I made to the headteacher, so that’s twice today I’ve been a bit clever). I put the idea forward nearly a year ago but it worked well with their healthy week.
And to tie up loose ends - the reason for me crying while reading a story to one of my children last night? I started reading his school book and on one of the pages there was a short list of flowers which he asked me to read out to him. I started crying when I read out loud ‘violet’.
Almost 17 years ago my dad bought me a little violet in a pot that I have kept all these years. This year it didn’t seem to be doing very well so my mom who is green fingered said she’d take it away and try and do something with it. She told me on a recent visit that there was no chance of it surviving and had got rid of it, which has just broken my heart.
It’s been a very stressful time lately for lots of reasons and it was the icing on the cake that I’d lost my violet, through not looking after it as well as I should have. Part of me wishes mom had just given it me back (I know she would have done her best with it) but I think it’s more to do with the fact that I’ve lost that little bit of my dad and the grief has just poured out once again even though it’s been 13 years since he died.
So that’s been my eventful couple of days . . . . I’ve tried relaxing a bit today and not getting hung up on the house tidying. Plus I need to save my strength for walking to school again tomorrow. Bah humbug. Up with sugar I say.
Sorry about the long delay in posting. For the last few weeks my attention has been firmly focussed on M, who has growing-up issues of his own. S is currently the easier child, something I never thought I would hear myself say.
When you have a child with special needs, it is all too easy to let that child become the main focus of the family. Brothers and sisters grow up feeling that their needs have to come second, even though that obviously isn’t the case. We have tried to make sure that M does not miss out on the normal experiences of childhood, aided by good friends who would take him on their family outings as company for their own children and help out with the school run when needed.
But it is a delicate balancing act and I can’t help feeling that somewhere along the way we must have failed…
You know those days when you want to curl up in a ball and tell the world to leave you alone! I think I had one of those yesterday and partly today.
Work has been quite boring this week. I know I am on countdown to finishing next week, but nevertheless I could have been at home using my time much more effectively. Except for being paid of course!
With me leaving they are obviously trying to sort out new team members one being a lad that trained me (I use that word loosely) before he moved departments. As he knows the systems it would make sense to bring him back in.
I found all this out as I was leaving last Wednesday and the fact that our Team Leader had been offered another role, so they really are having a bit of a shake up.
Anyway I walked in Monday and not a word was said to me about any plans being further forward. I happened to take a call from someone asking for the lad that used to work there and I nearly put my foot in it. For a split second I thought how does he know! Anyway I said that he didn’t work in this department anymore and dealt with the call.
Within a minute of me putting the phone down I had an email from the Team Leader saying that no one knows about him coming back and could I keep it quiet. Yes of course, but please tell me ahead of the game.
I feel like I did when I first started. It’s almost like "well she doesn’t need to know because she’s leaving", but if it’s that important not to tell everybody then maybe they should have.
Oh yes did I mention that this lad and the team leader are an item! I mentioned a while ago in one of my entries that I thought I had spotted something going on between them.
I am also hormonal at the moment and that brings with it emotional and bitchy (let’s be honest here). I snap at everyone around me if they get in my way and don’t do things EXACTLY as I want (childish too, hmmm . . .).
The night before last two of my children had both woken up in the evening and then not settling down until 11.00 pm which completely stressed me out. I was desperate to talk to my husband about family issues and it didn’t happen.
Then last night my youngest brought homework home from school (infant) that needed completing for today. Because I had said to wait until we had finished eating to look at it, he tore it up and threw it in the bin. Nice, so if that’s at six what’s going to happen when we get to teenage?
Anyway after giving him a little talk, pulling it out of the bin and rewriting it out on a fresh piece of paper we sat and completed it. Meanwhile eldest son was making fairy cakes for a project at school that we thought wasn’t going to happen until Friday and was then brought forward to today.
To cut a long story short. We started icing the cakes and I decided to have a taste of the icing and it was vile. For some reason I can’t explain as it is only icing sugar and water after all, it was leaving a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. The cakes were great as we’d already tasted them.
I then had to break the news that we couldn’t use that one particular batch but we had almost enough left for him to take in and that could be supplemented with some shop bought ones I had.
I offered to ice the ones that were left which was fine.
Anyway. Come bedtime my eldest son got upset and started to cry because the batch of cakes I’d iced were supposed to have been plain and I shouldn’t have touched them. I wish my psychic abilities had been more tuned in.
Well I was now faced (at 9.30 pm) with the choice of making him another batch, alongside having to paint a piece of lining paper (taller than a door) green like seaweed, both sides and cutting it into strips for another project he had to take in to school the next day.
At this point I was mega stressed. I felt like crying (which I did earlier while reading my youngest a story, but that’s another tale). However I am nothing if not determined and made the cakes. While they were cooking I started painting and then alternated between the two jobs until the cakes had all been cooked.
However because I had to paint both sides I had to wait for one side to dry before tackling the other. I eventually went to bed at nearly 2.00 am and had to get up early for work this morning. Plus I had to cut the paper into long strips for the door.
I’m exhausted just writing this out now . . . . so I’ll continue tomorrow.
Nag: Verb to annoy, badger, bend someone’s ear, berate, breathe down someone’s neck, worry, harass, hassle, henpeck, pester, plaque, provoke, scold, torment;
Noun a person, especially a woman, who nags
Allan and Barbara Pease discuss the common relationship problem of nagging and its impact on men and women.
We have traveled the world giving conferences and the number one question asked by all men in all countries is, "Why do all the women in my life NAG ME?" Men and women perceive nagging in different ways.
Firstly, women deny they nag. They genuinely believe they are just reminding their male in their lives to do the things that must be done. They see it as a somewhat nurturing activity, "It keeps them alive!"
The man’s reaction to it is very different. He feels harassed. "From the moment I get home until the moment I go to bed, she starts her nagging and never lets up. It has got to the point where the only communication involved between us is when she tells me all the things I didn’t do during the course of the day, week, month or since we got married!"
Nagging is one of the primary causes of marital problems today. Women are often the main offender when it comes to this, and men suffer the consequences of not being understood. Men and woman are biologically different.
Their brains function in very different ways. So when a woman nags, according to her brain, this is the most efficient manner to get a message across, repeat, repeat, repeat. Some women have made nagging an art form. We have identified 5 basic types, and most women will recognise themselves in these following descriptions:
1. The Single Subject Nag:
"Kurt, how about taking out the rubbish?"
A pause…
"Kurt, you said you’d take out the rubbish"
Another 5 minutes later…
"What about that rubbish, Kurt? It’s still sitting there."
2. The Multi-Nag:
"The grass in front of the house looks a mess Nigel, the doorknob is falling off the bedroom door, and the back window is still stuck. When are you going to tune the TV aerial and… etc, etc?"
3. The Beneficial Nag:
"Have you taken your pills today, Ray? And stop eating that pizza - it’s bad for your cholesterol and weight…"
4. The Third Party Nag:
"Well, Moira says Shane has already got their BBQ cleaned out and they’re having people over tomorrow. Summer will be finished at the rate you’re going."
5. The Advance Nag:
"Well, I hope you’re going to watch your drinking tonight, Dale. We don’t want a repeat of last year’s fiasco."
Men however do not respond to nagging, retreating behind their defensive barriers that drive the nagger crazy. Women need answers as to why nagging doesn’t work and how to achieve action from their man without making him feel angry with her. There has to be a better way.
I forgot to mention that during the week I was invited out with some friends that I met when I had my first born.
The plan was for a meal at a local pub/restaurant and then take part in the quiz afterwards, which sounded great.
I’d had another bit of ‘nodding dog’ syndrome at work that day and was really, really tired. I spent most of my day thinking up excuses not to go. These ranged from not turning up and then giving the old ‘oh was it last night, I thought it was tonight’, to one of the children not being right or even myself being poorly.
But, after talking it through with my husband on the lunch time, he convinced me I should go.
After having a shower and freshening up I left home albeit it a little late and found my friends at the pub. It was when we sat around the table before our meal one of our friends came up with the proposed name of our team in the quiz which was ‘Decade of Friendship’ that it struck home how long we had known each other.
Ten years had passed since we had all cuddled our first newborn babies, and then took it in turns to offer our houses once a week for tea and chats and compare what was happening in our babies lives.
Ten years!! Where did that time go? Of course as one by one each of us went back to work and our lives, our once a week meets lessened for some of us, although we’ve tried to maintain contact through the odd meal here and there.
It was only when I sat quietly looking around that I actually felt quite shameful. Even though we had met ten years ago, I didn’t really know any one of them particularly well. Some of them had closer relationships which is a natural process, but I realised that I could have made more of an effort over the years.
In my case I had a spell of lacking in confidence and withdrew from people but nevertheless this didn’t count for the whole ten years.
I know in life we naturally veer towards people we have connections with and I do have close friends that I see regularly, but is it now too late to start picking up the phone to these other mums more regularly? Would they feel - what does she want now, she doesn’t normally call?
Maybe my lack of confidence still hasn’t totally come back, but it did make me wonder if life being so busy is an excuse and not a reason.
On a positive note we came about fifth out of 20 odd teams that night. I’m not good at quizzes but I did make up for it by writing the answers down very neatly!!
Managed to get these two photos of the duck I mentioned yesterday. As you can see from picture no 1 Mr Duck landed in our garden and happily ate the bread I threw out for him.
My mistake was trying to photograph him.
Ooh a nice bit of bread!
I said no photographs!
He can’t have been too bothered really. As we pulled away from our house yesterday morning he had come back with his partner and they were happily sitting on the roof of our house.
Almost 17 years ago my dad bought me a little violet in a pot that I have kept all these years. This year it didn’t seem to be doing very well so my mom who is green fingered said she’d take it away and try and do something with it. She told me on a recent visit that there was no chance of it surviving and had got rid of it, which has just broken my heart.
