Overcome Nagging - Part 3

Both sexes need to realise these differences. It will make communication much simpler and removes the need for much of the nagging that takes place. No one likes being on the receiving end of subdued rage, ambiguous messages, self-pity and blame or having guilt continually thrust at them.

Everyone avoids the nagger, leaving her alone and feeling resentful. When she starts feeling even more trapped, unrecognised and isolated, the victim may suffer even more. The only real outcome from nagging is the destruction of the relationship between the nagger and the victim because the victim feels that he has to defend himself continually.

Instead of expressing hostility towards your husband in an indirect way, try communicating what you really feel, by using direct speech.

Choose a time when he has had at least 30 minutes to do some fire-gazing. Avoid jumping down your husband’s throat, as this will only make him defensive. Choose your language carefully. Using "you" language provokes defensiveness and puts you in a position of judge and jury - a position that your husband will resent.

Instead, use the "I" technique, which involves describing your husband’s behaviour, your interpretation of it, your feelings, and the consequences that the behaviour has on you. Focus on beginning your statements with the word "I". Instead of saying, "you never help around the house" say "I feel unhappy because I feel like I’m the only one who cares about the state of the house."

This technique is powerful because it reduces defensiveness, increases honesty and clarifies everyone’s feelings.

State your feelings and needs and then allow your husband to respond, ensuring that you listen to his input. While you are working on improving communication with your husband, spend quality time alone and reflect on your own situation.

What are you doing to improve your own self-image? Do you reward yourself for achieving your own goals on a day-to-day basis? Nagging can be a way of life for many people, the means by which they always end up communicating, which makes them angry, resentful and miserable towards the one person in their lives who really should be an everyday source of great joy, warmth and support.

 It doesn’t have to be that way. Implementing the simple strategies given here can build a much happier, loving future for you both.

(c) This page Copyright 2003 Pease International  

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Overcome Nagging - Part 2

In primitive times, a man’s role was that of hunter. Tribal man would kill his prey and then return home to his family and the warmth of the cave at the end of the day. The woman would be waiting to welcome him home and admire his hunting prowess and his ability to provide for his family.

She would ensure that the fire was ready for the man to do some fire-gazing when he returned. Times have changed, but a woman can make life easier if she tries to understand that a man still needs his fire-gazing time.

There is nothing worse for a man than being bombarded by demands the moment he walks through the door, but women often see this as the ideal time to begin making requests. It’s like they feel that, if they can catch a man before he gets a chance to sit down, there is more chance their demands will be met.

However as a woman, there is nothing more frustrating than having to ask a man time after time to do even the simplest of things. When a woman is asking for something to be done and her husband or partner is apparently ignoring her, feelings of resentment build.

In a man’s working environment, he can communicate, problem-solve and produce positive outcomes. If a colleague makes a request, the man miraculously seems to have the ability to meet the request immediately.

His female partner knows this, so she becomes enormously frustrated when he does not respond in the same way at home. Beyond feeling frustrated, though, a woman can begin to feel hurt and devalued. She starts to interpret the man’s actions as showing that he respects his colleagues, but not her.

Unfortunately, women usually respond to their feelings of hurt and frustration by becoming more persistent in their attempts to get their message across. As a result, the man rebels and, the more he rebels, the more hurt and frustrated the woman feels - so the more she nags.

Women know that they nag, but that doesn’t mean they enjoy it. After all, who enjoys feeling that their husband or partner just won’t pay attention to them? Usually women are only doing it as a means to an end.

Nagging can also be a sign that a woman wants more: more recognition from her husband and/or family for what she has given so far and more opportunities to move on to something better. Nagging is all about the balance of power between two people. A woman is far more likely to nag when she feels taken for granted.

Many little girls are still brought up believing that they should be nice and sweet and put their own needs and feelings last. They grow up into women who believe that it’s their role to keep the peace, to smooth over problems, to be liked and loved. Many women find it extremely difficult just to come out and say, "I’m not happy living this way."

A vicious cycle develops, until eventually they both reach a point where they no longer see each other as partners, lovers or best friends. The more the nagger nags, the more the victim retreats behind the kind of defensive barriers that drive the nagger crazy.

These barriers include newspapers, computers, a gloomy face, amnesia, apparent deafness and TV remote controls. Women also often make the mistake of expecting men intuitively to pick up on what they’re thinking, without actually saying it. Instead, they use indirect speech.

When women learn to say directly what they mean, men will respond more readily. Women need to understand that male brain function is comparatively simple and men can rarely guess what their wives and partners really mean beyond the actual words they’ve uttered.

Part 3 to follow . . . . . .

(c) This page Copyright 2003 Pease International  

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Overcome Nagging - Part 1

NAGGING - WHEN SOMEONE JUST WON’T LET UP

Nag: Verb to annoy, badger, bend someone’s ear, berate, breathe down someone’s neck, worry, harass, hassle, henpeck, pester, plaque, provoke, scold, torment;

Noun a person, especially a woman, who nags

Allan and Barbara Pease discuss the common relationship problem of nagging and its impact on men and women.

We have traveled the world giving conferences and the number one question asked by all men in all countries is, "Why do all the women in my life NAG ME?" Men and women perceive nagging in different ways.

Firstly, women deny they nag. They genuinely believe they are just reminding their male in their lives to do the things that must be done. They see it as a somewhat nurturing activity, "It keeps them alive!"

The man’s reaction to it is very different. He feels harassed. "From the moment I get home until the moment I go to bed, she starts her nagging and never lets up. It has got to the point where the only communication involved between us is when she tells me all the things I didn’t do during the course of the day, week, month or since we got married!"

Nagging is one of the primary causes of marital problems today. Women are often the main offender when it comes to this, and men suffer the consequences of not being understood. Men and woman are biologically different.

Their brains function in very different ways. So when a woman nags, according to her brain, this is the most efficient manner to get a message across, repeat, repeat, repeat. Some women have made nagging an art form. We have identified 5 basic types, and most women will recognise themselves in these following descriptions:

1. The Single Subject Nag:

"Kurt, how about taking out the rubbish?"

A pause…

"Kurt, you said you’d take out the rubbish"

Another 5 minutes later…

"What about that rubbish, Kurt? It’s still sitting there."

2. The Multi-Nag:

"The grass in front of the house looks a mess Nigel, the doorknob is falling off the bedroom door, and the back window is still stuck. When are you going to tune the TV aerial and… etc, etc?"

3. The Beneficial Nag:

"Have you taken your pills today, Ray? And stop eating that pizza - it’s bad for your cholesterol and weight…"

4. The Third Party Nag:

"Well, Moira says Shane has already got their BBQ cleaned out and they’re having people over tomorrow. Summer will be finished at the rate you’re going."

5. The Advance Nag:

"Well, I hope you’re going to watch your drinking tonight, Dale. We don’t want a repeat of last year’s fiasco."

Men however do not respond to nagging, retreating behind their defensive barriers that drive the nagger crazy. Women need answers as to why nagging doesn’t work and how to achieve action from their man without making him feel angry with her. There has to be a better way.

Part 2 to follow . . . . .

(c) This page Copyright 2003 Pease International                                      

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Doctor Who Themed Party Games

After (daftly) agreeing to a Doctor Who themed party by one of my children we actually came up with some good games.

If you ever wish to do the same then I am happy to pass on the following to you.

Emperor’s Dare  (In this case relating to the Emperor Dalek)

For a few weeks before the party or event, save the inner cardboard tubes out of kitchen roll.  You can decorate these if you like (we just used some tissue paper which was cheap and cheerful). 

Get a large piece of cardboard (again maybe save some from an old box or from Christmas toys).

Make random holes throughout the cardboard large enough to be able to feed the cardboard tubes through, so that they will stick out more than two thirds at the front.  If necessary sellotape them at the back.

In each of these write a ‘dare’ for the children to have to act out.  These should obviously be suitable for their ages without offending or totally embarassing any of the children.

Examples:

1. Shout out loud I am the prettiest girl in the world
2. Tell the person on your right ‘you’re looking good’
3. Tell a joke (if you don’t know one, use this one - what’s green and stands in a corner - a naughty frog!)
4. Sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in a mouse voice
5. Pretend to be a frog and hop from one side of the room to the other
6. Balance on one leg for 30 seconds
7. Say the nursery rhyme Mary had a little lamb in a very posh voice
8. Act like a rabbit and say “hey I’m bugs bunny, what’s up doc"
9. Turn to the person on your left and say “I’m so very pleased to meet you” in an robot voice
10. Stand up, put your arms out wide and say “I’m a tree,  hug me”

Start with the Birthday person and let them choose first.  Then get that child to nominate the next person and so on.

GUESS THE DOCTOR WHO ALIEN

The BBC website have some great pictures that you can download.  All you need to do (providing you have a colour printer) is download the pictures, save them and print. 

Tip: To save toner if you have a software package that will allow you to take out some of the background colour, reduce the image size and crop, then it may be worth your while to edit the pictures in this way. 

We used a roll of cheap lining paper and cut a piece large enough to stick on 12 pictures with blu tack. 

Don’t forget to write out labels with the characters names on as well.

There are two ways you can play this game.   Either get the children in two groups to identify, from scratch, the names of the characters and see how many they get right.  The group with the most right obviously win.

Or, give them the labels and again in two groups time them as to how quickly they can match the character label with the character picture.

Tip:  To save any unfair advantage, while one group has their turn, don’t let the other group watch.

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How to Give Feedback

We seek feedback right from when we are young. It starts off with us finding out what our parents think of the pictures we draw, the stories we make up, how we look, dress etc. It continues into life when we start socialising and working and looking for affirmation from our peers. It’s all around us, it’s part of our daily life.

We probably don’t associate the word feedback with these activities. We’re not usually looking for criticism, constructive or otherwise, but this has to be part of the process, if we want honesty and openness from people.

If we are asked to carry out a task be it in the home or work environment we need to know that what we have done is right. This can normally be aided by having been given clear, concise goals or objectives and knowing what the outcome should be.

However, if we are the ones to provide the feedback there are techniques to soften how we do it. At the end of the day feedback is a way of letting others know how effective they have been in what they are trying to accomplish or how they are with others. It should provide an opportunity for learning but remember no matter how you give it, people can still react in a negative way.

There are plenty of articles you can read on feedback, the following are just a few tips for delivering feedback based on experience(s).

Deliver feedback in an encouraging manner

You may have heard of a feedback sandwich. Start off with a positive statement, deliver the critique (or negative feedback) you need in an encouraging manner and finish off with a positive.

For example: You may have asked someone to complete an article for you, but after reading it you feel you need to re-write most of it. You can’t just say this is rubbish. A nicer approach would be:

"Thanks for taking the time to do this article. I’ve had a read through it. I’m not sure it meets all the objectives of the article so I may have to tweak some of the information you have provided. . . . Thanks for getting it started for me."

A lesson here is to ensure you have thoroughly prepared that person for what you need.

State exactly what you are giving feedback on

You need to tell the person what it is you are giving feedback on ie a piece of work, their behaviour or dress standards etc. Be clear.

Be sensitive to the needs of the other person

If you know the person well or manage them, you should generally know how they like to be spoken to. Some need the softly, softly approach, others you can be a little more direct with.

Ensure that feedback focuses on behaviour that can be changed, rather than the personality of the person

Don’t be rude or insult the person you are giving feedback to. You should not attack the person’s personality for example saying “you really are stupid”. You need the feedback to have a positive effect. It could be that the person continually hands work in late. You need to focus on that and look at how this can be changed. Open questioning is a good way to do this, how, why, what type of questions.

Give feedback at an appropriate time and as near in time to the particular event as possible

If you have to deliver negative feedback, make sure you pick the most appropriate time. A word of advice don’t do it at the end of the day, especially if you know that person has had a fantastic day. You will bring them completely down. Of course if it’s positive feedback, then add it to their feeling of greatness!

If it’s behavioural feedback make sure you do it as close to when it happened or it will lose its power.

Ensure the feedback is well thought out and not impulsively given

Take time to think about how you need to give the feedback and what on. You need a clear head and not waffle.

Feedback must be of value to the person receiving it.

The end result of giving feedback is so that people can learn from it and still be motivated to carry out further tasks.

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Common Sense

I can’t take the credit for this, it was via an email, but it really strikes home.  Well done to whoever wrote this initially.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year- old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a Band Aid to a student - but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

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What Makes A Best Friend?

Throughout the journey of life, we meet many people. Some people impact on our lives greatly, some whilst not realising it change a small part of us and hopefully for the better. Some people make us evaluate our own lives and make us realise just what we have and how lucky we are. We admire people, we hero worship them, sometimes we would like to swap lives with them, even for just a few hours to see how different it would be.

There are many names for some of these people. For example here are dictionary definitions for just a few of them.

Friend: A person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection, and loyalty

Acquaintance: A person whom one knows but who is not a close friend.

Colleague: A fellow worker or member of staff.

We can probably all associate with the different types of people. For example there are people we work with that maybe we are friendly with but would never be ‘friends’ with. A really good friend of mine summed up how she felt about her work colleagues and not wanting to go on a night out with them.

“I have nothing in common with any of the girls that are going, I don’t wish to have anything in common. And I don’t like them – so that solves that feeling of guilt then!! “

Okay we may not all feel that strongly about it, but it did make me chuckle when I read it. We can’t always like everyone we work with, but we have to put up with them on a professional level. Nobody said anything about having to go out at night with them!

An acquaintance can be someone we pass the time of day with, more to be polite. For example saying hello to other people we see on a regular basis ie they are always on the same transport with you when going to work, other mums on the school run, people in a different department to yourself. You may not be in the ‘having a coffee’ league with them, but it still makes for a pleasant day by sharing small amounts of polite conversation.

A friend, as the definition says, is generally someone we like, have affection for and would be loyal to. Maybe it’s someone we have known for a long time, a childhood friend, someone you have met in similar circumstances, or can be people at work that we click with.

But what elevates a friend to a best friend? In my opinion it’s :-

Someone who enriches your life. It’s someone you wouldn’t hesitate in turning to, to share your woes and your achievements. It’s someone, who despite not always having the same ideas and principles, will still support you. It’s someone who doesn’t judge you but will listen.

And above all it’s someone who has the ability to comfort you with a hug, a word or a deed.

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When a Good Company Goes Bad

It’s true that (as people) we are our own worst enemies. We start off as innocent beings when born and slowly as we learn about life we become cynical, brow beaten and dissatisfied with the way of the world. The trouble with this is that behaviour breeds behaviour and we can unwittingly pass on our negative feelings.

What has this to do with companies you may ask? Well if you are talking about people, then it has everything to do with it, as in management speak people are a companies main asset. (Okay the cynical side is saying yeah right. See what I mean?)

Many companies start off with the right intentions when if comes to expanding and employing people. The ‘want’ to be seen as a nice employer can sometimes give a different impression to how the company operates in reality. After all when it comes to interviewing people for jobs, it is not only the prospective employee that is out to make an impression. If you have the ideal candidate sitting in front of you, then you want to impress that person also.

When you consider how much of our life is spent within the working environment it is so important to be working for the right type of company. As employees all our needs are different and this can sometimes be the cause for problems arising especially within the circle of people we work with. An employer these days is under so much obligation in terms of political correctness and doing the right thing by everybody that it can take over the actual reason for running the company.

For me good communication is the key. Openness and honesty are also key values, but these should be integral within the communication process.

I once worked for an organisation that when it was really small (less than 6 people) it was a joy to go to work. I loved the people I worked with, I enjoyed the work, the environment was good, not far from home and being one of the first in I was given many opportunities to develop myself. I was instrumental in setting up systems that were still in use 10 years later and indeed praised by external organisations. So what happened?

We started to expand and take on new people for newly created positions. Shouldn’t be a problem, but in reality it is only natural that as you take people on the dynamics start to change. Groups start to form and empires start to be built.

In creating new positions you are ultimately creating a chance for someone to prove themselves. This is natural and if people succeed within the confines of what the company is trying to achieve then brilliant. It becomes a problem when this new role requires further support and in the blink of an eye the new role has expanded into a department.

This is when you start getting what I term ‘the tug of war’ approach to dealing with problems. As a small concern everything is out in the open and it’s quite quick and easy to make decisions. When you have departments, you start having to deal with small groups of people (this could be just two or three people) who while wanting to solve issues, will also be thinking how it will best benefit their department.

Again this is a natural ‘animal instinct’, in fact it would probably be more appropriate to call departments ‘packs’. It also slows the decision making process down and often the final decision isn’t always the best one for the company.

In the case of where I worked this was exacerbated further by the company splitting into divisions. The dynamics really altered then as you had departments within divisions. Now what do you do?

It still could have worked really well, but insecurities and jealousies started coming into the equation. Add in also that one of the Directors was friends outside of work with the head of one of the divisions, so now you have favouritism thrown into the mix. And finally the addition of a Finance Director within the group. Once finance started dictating the terms of the company, then realism seemed to go out of the window.

At the base of all of this was communication or lack of it. From being a very open company encouraging people to share their views it turned into a place where you were asked not to rock the boat. This was disheartening especially after several rounds of redundancy it really cried out for improved communication and working together.

The reasons why the company were set up in the first place got lost in the journey to succeed. With the rapid expansion of the company and more business ideas being thrown into the melting pot, the real reason for the company being in existence just got overlooked.

The moral. Obviously a company always needs to look ahead and progress but don’t forget why and how it was set up. It may be because the owners didn’t like how they were managed in a previous company, or they were fed up of receiving bad customer service so wanted to change how things were done. Maybe they worked in environments where information was kept so close to people’s chests that it stopped the company from moving forward.

Sometimes stopping and looking back at this can realign and focus the mind. You can also bring in any amount of ‘management initiatives’ but if you can’t even follow the basic rules of communication then it’s a waste of time.

A really good example was highlighted to me during a course I attended. Within a company one department (Department A) used to regularly send another department (Department B) a large financial report. Department B basically used to bin it as it was of no use to them and this had been happening for months.

It wasn’t until representatives of these two departments both attended the same course that they actually spoke to each other for the first time. Department B told Department A that they found the report of no use and it wasn’t until Department A asked the important question ‘what do you want?’ that they found a solution and a chance for Department A to stop wasting time producing an invalid report.

Simple really, but when a company gets larger sometimes the basic communications get lost or it’s a case of ‘we’ve always done it this way’. It’s too easy to moan about something instead of picking up a phone and dealing directly with each other. It can also be hard taking advice from someone outside of your own department and yet, an objective view can be a good one.

And doesn’t this also come down to respecting other people in the work place?

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Guardian Angels

I like to think that we are watched over and guided by the spirits of loved ones or guardian angels. I also like to believe that things happen for a reason, call it destiny if you will. I also feel that there is no harm to think like this especially if it brings peace or happiness.

My belief is borne out of situations that I have experienced. The main one is around losing my father who died of cancer many years ago after a very short illness that took the family by surprise.

I couldn’t accept that my father was ill, nor, as the doctors had said that he had up to four months to live. He had just retired early and had made many plans with mom for his retirement. Looking back now I wish I had done things differently but at the time it was my way of coping with the news. I basically tried to block it out and pretend that it wasn’t happening.

Dad had wanted us to visit my sister in Australia the previous year. As I had only just got married, I didn’t have the funds available and suggested we went the following year. He died before this could come to fruition. First regret.

I acted as though everything was going to be okay and now realise that I didn’t put enough effort in spending more time with him, because if I ignored it then it would go away wouldn’t it? Second regret.

I even missed being with him when he died. I remember the night well. He was in bed at home, with my mom, my sister and her daughter and myself all round the bed, just chatting normally and having a nice time of it. I decided it was time for me to head home and I remember Dad saying something along the lines of ‘Oh she’s got to go now’. Perhaps he knew. I kissed him goodnight, said bye to everyone and went home. Within a hour or so of getting home, I received the phone call that he had died. Third regret.

I’ve always wanted to know that Dad was okay with how I was. It wasn’t because I didn’t care, I loved him to bits but didn’t know how to handle the situation. Nothing ever prepares you for losing a parent at any age. But two things happened over the following years that make me feel as though he has been watching over me.

Shortly after Dad died, along with my mom, sister and niece we all went to stay at my mother and father in law’s house. It was nearing Christmas, so mom, my sister, niece and I decided to go and do some Christmas shopping. As usual for the time of year, the Salvation Army band were out playing Christmas Carols.

My own favourite carol is Little Donkey, which was not one of their numbers. However, this year as we approached them in the street they struck up with none other than Little Donkey. We were glued to the pavement. When they finished we found out that this had been the first year that this particular carol had been part of their repertoire! I can’t describe how this made me feel.

The second incident was connected with my husband and I moving house. We had started house hunting before Dad died and he had come along to one or two with us. When we eventually found the house for us, I have to admit I was quite sad that Dad hadn’t seen our new house. Imagine our surprise that when we moved in we found out that the son of the people who owned the house was the golf professional at the club where Dad had been a member and he knew my Dad!

If that wasn’t divine intervention then I don’t know what was.

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